Mission Accomplished!

     This week has been CRAZY!!! First, a bit of good news-- I've finished what I started so long ago. I've earned my Degree in Nursing!!! Words cannot explain where my heart is right now, but I can say this: I couldn't have done any of this without him. I'm here to tell you that GOD is GOOD!

     Oh...how he loves me. He takes care of all our needs. He forgives even when we doubt and sin. He listens to my prayers and knows me better than I know myself. He's the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life and oh how I love Him. Throughout my adult life, I've kept one scripture in my heart and mind: Proverbs 3:5-6. There are times when I felt tested. There are times when I was disappointed. There were even times when I questioned my faith and Him and each time, He showed me better than anyone could tell me.

     This Nursing school thing started out as a dream, then a whim, then reality set in. I'm a single mama with a dozen kids and not the best support system. How on earth was I going to do this when I was just barely hanging on??? Then, I prayed about it. Not only did I want to be a Nurse but I wanted to make sure that I took something from it. I wanted to make sure that my patients got something from me and that I would grow as a person with each and every encounter. Well...He gave me what I asked for. I can remember almost all of my patients and their situations have demonstrated to me that there are always people who are worse off so I have to be thankful for where I'm at and what I have.

     It's still just sinking in. This is real. Yes-- I did it! And life is going to be so much easier from here on out. I'm looking forward to Graduation this week. I look forward to being pinned and seeing my classmates for the last time all in one room. We came a long way together and boy aren't we gonna make some wonderful Nurses!?! I can't wait to take my NCLEX-RN exam. I can't wait to join that workforce doing something that I really want to do. Most of all, I can't wait to take my kids places they haven't been before, do new things, gain new hobbies, and put a little more in that collection plate. Yep-- life and God are good.

The Ninja

     Now that I've gotten the first week out of the way, I'm thinking about my fears. With this being a Pediatric floor, the one thing that I was afraid to deal with was being around a terminal child. In my world, death belongs to the elderly AND infirm; not those who've barely gotten the chance to live. I was unsure of how I'd handle the dying child because I have a tough time with death. We're not on good terms.

      My first day, there was a child who had been recently diagnosed with ALL but he looked relatively healthy so I wasn't that bothered. Sad but not really bothered. But my third day, I came face to face with a young boy with Neuroblastoma on his adrenal gland that had metastasized to his liver, brain, and bones. I'll call him P.S. The sight of him broke my heart. He was bald, he was pale as a sheet, and he was three. His parents only had him and his older brother. I remember thinking that this was so unfair.

      He was admitted for chemotherapy that Monday because he had to begin a regimen of prehydration and labwork first. It was explained that chemotherapy chemicals are highly nephrotoxic and the body needs to be hydrated to ensure that cytotoxins will be flushed from the body. Because he was a chemo patient, I mostly got to observe which was okay with me because I was so full of questions. How long has he had it? How did the parents find it? More importantly, what was his prognosis? Well...he was Stage IV and his chemo was in still in the research phase. I'm in tears as I write this because his outlook is pretty poor but his disposition was amazing. He laughed with me and showed me his Spider-Man pajamas. Spider Man was his hero and all the Nurses knew it. He wanted to make sure that I knew it, too. Early on, I'd noticed that he was highly intelligent after having been through so much and charming. He could charm the scales off a snake. Of course, I wanted to cry but as always, I'm careful to save the tears for my car where nobody's looking. Brenda, my Preceptor, explained the how's and whys of his labs and orders. For some reason, I thought that all this would be confusing but not so. I hung on to every word.

When I came in on Wednesday, I was under a Nurse named Candace and my little chemo patient was hers that day. The first thing that I saw when I reached the unit was a little Ninja come up to me and give me some karate chops. Sure enough, it was P.S. His parents were clever; he wouldn't wear a mask but he would wear a costume so that day, he let Spider-Man rest. A Ninja it was. It was kind of funny because, although, he'd had chemo the day before, he was in wonderful spirits. He was on his way to the playroom at 6:45 in the morning and felt like playing. Mom, realizing that his every moment is precious, gave in. She was so tired but like me, she was not one to spoil a kid's fun. Of course, I acted like I didn't know who he was and there was a Ninja attacking me. He laughed and I swear it sounded like Heaven. His mom looked tired but grateful that her boy was in good hands.

     It was in that moment, I forgot the bad and only remembered the good. There's nothing to really be afraid of because this is life. It happens. To everybody. The only thing that we need to do is remember: To everything, there is a silver lining if only we look for it. Oh...and one more thing: try to make the best out of every moment. They are not guaranteed.

That First Day

     Sunday morning, bright and early, I started my Preceptorship. It's a 120 hours of externing under a Nurse so that you get exposed to working with many patients. Previously, I'd asked to work in Medical-Surgical and Pediatrics was my third choice. I didn't foresee that our instructor would have such a hard time finding spots for us and I figured that I'd be in the local hospital on the floor where I'd done my clinicals. It's funny how you make plans and God laughs at them. 

     My mind was made up at the beginning of all this that I didn't want to work with kids because I've mostly worked in Pediatrics as a Medical Assistant and, although I liked it, I wanted a change. I love kiddos but the day in day out cold, strep throat, 'I don't want a shot!" tends to grow old. I wanted surgeries. I wanted complex diseases. I wanted something that was 18 and over. That had been my plan all along and I was sticking to it. So, when our Precept instructor told me that all she had available for the shift I wanted was Peds, I was crestfallen but, begrudgingly, I decided to take it.

 

                                                              

      Well...imagine my surprise when I fell in love the first day on the floor. I saw those babies and in one full swoop, I was head over heels. I looked up because God knew all along what He was doing. That first day, I hit the floor running. Giving meds, assessing patients, looking over labs, you name it, I did it. I had a tonsillectomy, sickle cell anemia, feverish newborn, and the one who stole my heart, the leukemia kid. The tonsillectomy was a discharge so he was out the door in the first few hours and the sickle cell kid had a doting mom. She took care of everything because he was her precious cargo. They were easy. The newborn had a Mom who was there but she wasn't there. For some reason, she didn't really have a good bond with her baby. I don't know if it was because of her economic and psychosocial situation but she seemed to look at him like he was an accessory. She picked him up, tucked him in the crook of her arm, and nodded off to sleep. No smiles, no coos, no eye contact. I just shook my head and prayed that I wouldn't see him on the news in about fifteen years. Real parents know that you have to nurture those babies with love and affection so that they won't turn out like weeds.

                         

                                                 

     Now, the leukemia kid was another story. His "parents" are his much older Aunt and Uncle because Mom and Dad couldn't or wouldn't get their life straight. Somehow, people tend to forget that you have to have it together before you make a baby, but that's a story for another day. Anyway, the one thing that struck me about this kid was his smile. He looked like sunshine. He's only two and he was only recently diagnosed but he acted like there wasn't a thing wrong with him. He grinned and laughed and played. One of the Nurses brought him a toy and the first thing he said was, "Jesus'. Oh my heart. They said that he prayed over his special toys. When other family members came to visit him, they treated him like gold. I was confident that they made up for what Mama and Daddy weren't giving him. I remember one of his visitors saying what a shame it was that his Mom wouldn't take the time to come in from out of state just to see him. That made me burn inside but it came to me that He always puts us where should be at the right time and with the right people. Everything happens for a reason. I conveyed that and the family agreed 100%.

     The rest of my day passed by so quickly. When I left the floor, I was thankful for three things. One, my babies are healthy and they have me to love them like there is no tomorrow. I would turn over heaven and earth for my kids. Two, I'm not as desensitized as I thought I would be by the end of this Nursing School journey. I had some teary moments that day but I was careful not to let my patients or their families see it. Yes...I have a heart and it burns for Nursing. And last, I'm glad I was wrong. I'm stronger than I thought and I have only Him to thank for that. I didn't think that I would make it to Preceptorship. I planned on giving it my best shot but in the back of my mind, I had a nagging feeling that I wouldn't get this far. I'm a mama of a dozen; life is hard just day to day. But...God knows best. Before I left, these Nurses had on these T-Shirts that said, "Pray for Mitchell" on the front in bold orange letters. A family needed all they prayers they could get for their loved one. That wasn't what struck me. It was the verse on the back that made me smile. He was giving me a little reminder:

Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

    

The Test

     Yesterday, was a make it or break it kind of day for me. Our class had our last test before preceptorship and final exam. The way our program works is that you have to have a 75 test average just to pass that class and for anyone who is a Nurse or Nursing student, you know that this is feat in and of itself. Studying for Nursing isn't just memorization-- it's critical thinking. Our tests consists of two right answers, the best answer, and a wrong answer. There's hours and hours and hours of studying, stressing, etc. We put our blood, sweat, and tears into this. So much so that it takes over your life. Families, spouses, friends, love ones take a seat on the back burner.

     For me, being a Nurse means that I'll have enough money that I won't always have to say no because I don't have something. It's means that I'll be able to shop in the store and not in the circular magazine. I won't lose sleep worrying about how I'm going to cover that bill. I won't have to run out of gas or run on fumes and a prayer. More than that, I get to take care of people which is my passion. I don't want to do anything else. Nursing is my love.

     While I'm considered to be one of the best in my class (as I've been told by my instructors), I struggle with testing. I don't do well with select all that apply and Pharmacology. It's just not my bag. So, with this being said, my testing average was a 75.33% and I've been stressing out something terrible. The days before this test were filled with hours of studying. Tears. Bunches of tears. Prayers. Lots of prayers. Sleepless nights. A ton of those. I had a marathon study session the day before that lasted from 7:30 a.m to 5p.m. and 8:30 p.m. to 3:20a.m. I took a two hour nap and back at it 7:30-8:50 a.m the day of. I was EXHAUSTED. The test was to start at 9 am and I did the only thing that I knew how. Pray. Hard.

     I told God that I knew He wanted nothing but success for me. I told him that ultimately, His will would be done but that I placed my future and that of my family in His hands. I know that He wouldn't let me come this far and just let me fall. He knows me better than anyone else, myself included. I need Him like I need water, food, and air. I prayed this in my shower. I prayed in the car on the way to school. I prayed in the parking deck. I even did a quick prayer in front of the computer. Tensions were high and my heart was racing. I just knew a panic attack was coming on. Then, it was time to get started.

     The test was timed for 75 minutes. Fifty questions. Once you answer, you can't go back because it only lets you answer one at a time. As I answered each question, I just knew that they were wrong. About halfway through, I'd decided that I would go home, tell my kids that I'd failed, and we'd be struggling and sacrificing another six months (if I even went back at all). I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and just knew that I was going to vomit. Right there in front of half my class. After 28 minutes (for some reason, I test really quickly), I hit the submit button. Before I checked my score, I said, "God, please let this say 74 because that's what I need to pass on." As a matter of fact, I wasn't even going to look at my score. I was just going to leave. Then...

     I looked at my score. I expected to see a 50 or 60 but it was WAY higher than what I needed. The class was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop so people were surprised to hear me exclaim, "Thank you, Jesus!" In that moment, I had to give Him the praises because I just knew that there was dreadful knews waiting on me and He proved me wrong. I walked out of that class with tears in my eyes and the biggest smile ever. Right now, I'm still thanking Him.

     Now, I know that I have a final exam to go but in this moment, I'm just so grateful. God is so good. Even when my faith was waning, He still held me up. I'm just so thankful. Glory and praises, Father.


    

On the Other Hand

     If there's one thing that I don't exactly like about myself, it's the complaining. I'm not sure why I do it but I think it has something to do with the fact that I wasn't allowed to express my feelings growing up. I learned to tack on a sweet little smile and act as if everything was okay even though I was torn up on the inside .
    
     Now that I'm an adult, whenever I'm displeased, I complain. Big time. And...I don't like it. At all. The spirit of negativity is hard to carry around all day. It eats me up on the inside and my cheerful optimism is replaced with a red-eyed beast that's always ready to let someone have it.

    So...I've decided to start looking at things the other way around. Follow me.

• Twelve kids are a bit much... On the other hand, God gave me a dozen blessings who fill my days with love and adventure.

• Teenagers. Need I say more... On the other hand, one of these days, they're going to grow up and start their own families and I'm going to be there to spoil their kids 10x more rotten. Ha!

• One of my oldest and dearest friends is slowly but surely slipping away... On the other hand, He sees my sadness and comforts me. I'm able to enjoy this little bit of time that we have left. Memories will sustain me.

• Nursing school is tortuous and long... On the other hand, it's been my dream over half my life and Nursing is all that I've ever wanted to do.

• Life is short and cruel. Those patients really suffer... On the other hand, this whole experience has taught me to stop and watch the clouds and the sun, the moon and the stars. (Yes, I really do that.) This is the only time in existence that I'll have the pleasure of enjoying it.

• Financially, I'm not where I want to be...not yet... On the other hand, when I get there, I'll appreciate it a whole lot more. Better believe it. Ben Franklin will beg for air before he leaves my pocketbook.

• Bills, bills, bills... On the other hand, I'm lucky and blessed to have an address for a bill to come to. It could be worse. I could be sleepy under a bridge or in a car.

• My car doesn't understand the meaning of fuel economy... On the other hand, I don't have to walk or be stuck in the elements.

• Spiritually, I feel like I'm not as convicted as I should be...On the other hand, He has his arms outstretched and waiting. He keeps me from falling.

    My point is that I have to stop seeing all the bad and start finding the good in everything. I posted this on Facebook and boy does it remind me of me.

 

Wish me the best of luck and have a great day everybody!

Gratitude

     I'm going to start this post today by saying that Our Father is ever so amazing. He's gracious and kind and merciful and loving. He's everything that's good in life. The one thing that I've also noticed is that He has a way of humbling us when we're too prideful or arrogant. Now, I admit-- I'm no saint. I have my days where I'm down in the dumps and I feel like nobody cares. I have days where I'm at the top and I feel like I'm the cream of the crop and nobody does it better than me. Then, I have those days where I'm so inpatient with everything and everybody. I feel like the world should be moving at the speed of my light. I know it's silly but it's just me being honest.

     I'm in my senior semester of Nursing school and, as usual, my days are long and hectic. I started complaining about having to go to Clinicals first thing this morning before I even got in the shower. How dare patients have the nerve to be sick and me have to get out my warm bed to go in and put in time for free! I'm sick of this, I'm tired of that, and on and on my mind raged this morning. So...I prayed about it in the shower and left it at that. Once I pulled out of the driveway this morning, everything started to calm down. By the time I reached the hospital, I was in good spirits.

     Well, as usual, I was the first student to the floor. My instructor asked me if I had this certain patient before and I said, "No." Then, she gave me a brief summary of what was wrong with her and I thought, "crap!!!" Although, I'll never let a patient see me aggravated or irritated, in the back of my mind, I thought that I was being punished. For having bad thoughts. For being mean to those that I love. For being inpatient. For being arrogant.

     Anyway, I get in the room this morning and I see this patient. She's my age and had a stroke sometime during the summer. She has children whom love her. She has a mother who takes the time to call and make sure that she hears her voice. She couldn't talk, she couldn't move, and her body was twisted. She was missing part of her skull. She was lying there storming (something brain injured patients do when they're overstimulated). I was told that her prognosis is very poor. Suddenly, the thought came to me that when she woke up the morning that this happened, she probably never thought that this would be her life. I wondered if she'd had the time to thank God for His Son, his grace, his Mercy, her life, their life. Had she taken the time to stop and smell the roses. Look up at the clouds and watch them float on by? Had she taken the time to tell her loved ones how much they meant to her and how grateful she was that God put them in her life? Did she handle all of her spiritual business before this condition took over her life?

   I took care of her like she was one of my own family members. I've started to notice that I do that with all of my patients. It gives me joy because it gives me purpose. Anyway, I took more time with her than I normally do for any other patient because I felt compelled in my spirit. I wanted her trach care to be just right. I didn't want her to be the least bit uncomfortable (although there was only so much I could do in that area). I was praying that she was cognizant enough to know that she was in good hands because I was there. And I cared.
    
    One thing that I noticed is how I felt very humble and quite foolish and ashamed. Who am I to complain about anything when I'm walking, talking, my kids are healthy, and I have family who love me? Who cares that I had to wake up early and leave out before the sun came up? Who cares that things don't always go my way? Seriously, there is more to life. So, I learned a lesson or two today. And what is life if you don't see or get the lesson that God wants to teach you? In my mind, I told God, "Thank You." I get it.

     First, stop complaining so much. I have a bad habit of this and I don't like it at all. This Nursing thing is the dream that I've had for myself that God made come true even when I doubted. He gave me the gift of the big heart that has so much compassion. Second lesson-- everyday really does count. Every single day. Lazy days, crazy days-- all of them. You have to make them count and if possible, leave a good impression. You just never know...

    I'm a huge fan of the group Coldplay. In their song, Square One, they sing this lyric: 'From the line on the first page until the end of the last day'. It's metaphorical for one's life. For some reason, that song just kept coming back to me. All afternoon. Do I want my last page to be filled with regrets, anger, and irrelevance or do I want a 'well done my good and faithful servant' when my life's book has been read?

Loving It!

     I've made it to my fourth semester! Am I scared? You betcha! Am I tired? Better believe it. The studying is tedious and there's so much that I had forgotten over the summer break. Lectures are more like class discussions because there's a lot of self teaching. The tests are no longer just knowledge based; you have to apply what you know to that patient. The hours are long, the material is tough, and everything else in your life goes on the back burner.



     The one thing that I've noticed is that I really love clinicals this semester. I believe that it's because I feel more like a nurse and less like a CNA. Now, when I found out who my clinical instructor was, I was excited. Ms. Grace, as we call her, is brilliant. Funny, too. More importantly, she makes you really look at your patient, their disease process, and the effect it has on their life. She cares so much for the patients when she tends to them and puts her heart into it. I'm determined that I will be that kind of nurse. No patient is going to be just a body to me. Ever.


     The other thing that surprises me is that I'm tougher than I thought I was. I always said that I don't want to see blood and guts and slime, etc. I was determined that I never wanted to see a bedsore or suction snot from a person's trach. In my mind, it just wasn't happening. But...this semester, I'm on a respiratory floor and I can suction and clean a trach with the best of them! My stomach doesn't even try to flip anymore. I'm way better at assessing patients and recognizing when something just doesn't feel right. My heart is on a hospital floor and if I had a choice in the matter, I would stay there all day. I just have this need to try to solve problems and care for people.


      I was thinking today that God has given me the most amazing gift. Besides my children that is. I didn't grow up in the best circumstances and was left feeling unloved and unwanted almost my whole life. I still have days. But, I think that all this only made me a more compassionate person overall. I know that I care way more than I should and I'm unbelievably sensitive but it's ok. I finally accept those flaws and truth be told, I think they're blessings.