Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Glorifying Him

     These past few weeks haven't been my personal best but life goes on. One of my daughters has decided to test my waters. The baby boy has some sort of cardiac arrythmia that requires the pediatric cardiologist. The straw that broke the camel's back was that my car died and I was faced with quitting school, no transportation to work, and endless worrying. I had been praying for months that the Good Lord would bless me with another minivan. I prayed many, many days for months. I just didn't know that He would take one thing and make it another.

     Yesterday, my engine finally gave out. I was terrified because I've always had a car since I was 20 and I didn't think that it was feasible to take 10 kids on a bus every time we needed to get up and go. I live out near a small town and buses don't run through there that often. Plus, it's almost a mile to the bus stop and that's a lot of walking! I was thinking of church trips, their schools, my school, my job...my mind was everywhere! I don't have the finances right now to live the way that I want to and struggling is my middle name. I'm thrifty but it's tiresome and I just couldn't see an end to a bad situation.

     So...I did the only thing that I knew to make the impossible possible. I put it in His hands.
I prayed long and hard. I prayed softly and sweetly. In the end, tearfully, I threw my hands up, got on, my sore knees, and just gave it to Him. In the end, He did what He always does; took my pain and worry and turned it around for the best. I just had to take this moment to Glorify the One who loves me the most.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Today was not a great day for me. I feel like I fell flat on my face! We had a test in one of my Nursing classes and I was so siked. The instructor even wrote on the board that "Youka is brilliant". Let's just say that I'm not as brilliant as I thought. Talk about a lesson in flying high and falling low! All I can do is pray! Enough said.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Putting It All Into Perspective

     Yesterday, I had my first real day of clinicals. Although this is my second semester, yesterday, I felt like a REAL Nursing student. I began by getting my patients med list and listening to report. That was certainly informative. Reading the patient's history was educational as well as a lesson. The thing that really did it for me was changing out the IV bags and giving IV push meds. Loved that. The only downer of the day was when my patient vomited and he had a small bowel obstruction. The smell left something to be desired.

     My lesson of the day was that we have to appreciate the life that God gives us. You can't take any of this for granted because you never know when it's your time. The patient that I had yesterday has Stage IV Colon cancer. He's fighting it tooth and nail and he's so brave. He had a bottle of prayer oil on his stand and it was obvious to me that it's his faith that has sustained him so long.

     Death used to make me so sad. It hurts to lose something or someone whose close to your heart. I know because I've lost three babies, grandparents, an uncle, childhood best friend, and my brother-in-law. The latter was the one that sticks to me like glue. More about him later. Anyway, I was reading the Good Book one day and I found that we can't go back home to He who loves us most in the flesh. We have to be in the spirit. I just hope when it's my time, I've accomplished all that I set out to do.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Swimming Ever Since

     When I was younger, my mama was interracially married. She's Black and her first husband was White. My stepfather was a wonderful man. Sadly, they didn't stay married long. I think it was a combination of living in the South, both coming from prejudiced families, and not having enough income. They struggled but he was a good provider. Anyway, that experience taught me a few things.

     For one thing, I'm color-blind. I don't see race when it comes to dealing with people. I love everybody just about the same. Second, I gained an understanding about ignorance real early on. Prejudice doesn't have a color. Last, that stepfather of mine taught me so much in such a little bit of time. He taught me to read and write, swim, ride a bike, and he even bought me my first pair of skates. He never made me feel like I wasn't his own.

     Unfortunately, when they divorced, my mom wasn't in the best place mentally and emotionally. She was at times very abusive and she just couldn't love us as a mother should. Eventually, she lost custody of me and my brothers. We were separated for years. Over 20 years to be frank. Not a day went by that I didn't miss them. I still do. Everyday. Each and everyday. I was raised by my Mom for a time and they by their dad. He and my Mom have never spoken since and it used to bother me something awful. She never had a kind word to say about him and I think her perception was somewhat distorted.

     I prayed about this and I asked God to help me find my brothers. Immediately, I found the baby boy, Matthew, but it wasn't until later that I found my middle brother, Andrew. I've made contact with Matt, but unfortunately, the middle boy wants nothing to do with me. I don't understand it but I've accepted this and moved on. I must say that it hurts terribly. His family is beautiful and God has blessed him with a wonderful wife. He struck gold. Matt has an interesting life and he marches to the beat of his own drum. We're still getting to know each other (thru FB) and it's not what I hoped for but right now, this arrangement seems to work. As for Andrew, I know God has a plan for that. I think of that brother as The Promised Land. One day, we'll get there.

     What brought this to mind was something my Mom said. She said years ago, a really good man taught me how to swim. (I was surprised because she never says anything nice about him.) I was four and she remembers that he spent the whole summer teaching me in his spare time. At the end of the summer, he decided to throw me in the pool. Before he did, she said that he told me I would either sink or swim. She said much to her delight, I've been swimming ever since! My life has been a HARD one and truth be told, there are so many times that I justed wanted to throw up my hands and quit. Instead, I soldier on. I've made stupid mistakes and put myself in terrible predicaments. Every time, He forgives me and lets me know that I'm his daughter and that I matter. In a world of billions, I matter. My mama didn't give credit where it was due. Although, I was blessed with a great stepfather, I say that it's only by God's Good Grace and the love of his Son, Jesus Christ, that I've been able to make it this far. Nothing and no one else.


     My second semester of Nursing School started Monday. For some reason, I am just tickled pink this time around. I got a B last semester for my Fundamentals class and I was so upset because I had my heart set on an A. I guess that comes from being an overachiever. (I pray to God alot about that character flaw of mine.) Anyway, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't want to quit. I felt so ashamed of this because I prayed for years for God to help me become a Nurse.

    After much trepidation, I drove to school. I wanted to spend more time with my kiddos but I knew it was time. When we started lecture, I became euphoric. I was able to grasp concepts easier and my instructors are wonderful. All those disease processes and signs and symptoms. I loved it! I LOVE IT. I couldn't wait to get home and share my new found knowledge with my kids.

    The best part of my day, however, was when I got home. My babies were there waiting for me. The best part is they are healthy and beautiful. I teared up a little because the good Lord sure did bless me beyond belief. Nothing else compares. I used to want to just put them off on their Grandmas and have time to myself. I couldn't wait to be rid of a few kids for the weekend. How awful is that? Now... I love being their Mama. God entrusted them to me. Me of all people. All I want to do is be with them all the time. Unless I'm at school of course

Saturday, August 13, 2011

CoCo Puffs

     Out all of my children, there is one who stands out amongst the crowd. She has the most beautiful heart and she stands by her convictions. She has never really been a source of trouble and when she was younger, I nicknamed her my Golden Heart.

     If I need help around the house, she's there.
     If I need help with the babies, she's there.
                                                                Briana at 14 with baby, Matt.     

     Someone gets a boo-boo, CoCo is on it!

     When I do Bible study with the kids, she the most intent on understanding EVERYTHING.

     When she informed me that she plans on going to Fayetteville State University, I beamed inside because she's doing exactly what I thought she would. She's planned on college since she was 6 years old.
      This angel of mine is Briana Nicole and she was born 16 years ago. I was only 19 at the time and was enamored of this child who unexpectedly was born at home! She's number 3 in my family of 12. She was such a chubby baby that we called her CoCo Puffs and later just CoCo.

                                                                 Briana at just 2 months old!

     Through the years, she has become quite the little lady. She is modest and honest and everything that a 16 year old should be. She didn't go boy crazy, she's focused on her future, and she knows what she wants. She only sees the good in everybody and life is roses when she's around. Only once has a teacher ever called me and that was in high school. This girl has been known to give the coat off her back in the dead of winter! She would comfort a crying baby in the grocery store in a heart beat. Loves her family like no other. This is my CoCo Puff.

     When she turns 18 and heads to college, I'm going to miss that boisterous laugh and generous demeanor. I think that's one reason why I wish God would slow time down just a little. I just want a little more time for hugs and laughs and everything CoCo.

                                                          Briana and Matt last yr.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

In My Element

  Just a quick post today. See, I'm at work. I'm a Medical Assistant and I float from office to office which I love. The one thing I love about my job is that I'm good at it. I love working up patients. I love to keep my doctors happy. I love learning something new-- which is usually everyday. I like to guess at what's wrong with the patient before the doctor sees them and then have my suspicions validated. More than that, I love to feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. The truth of the matter is that I'm pretty much good at anything that I set my mind to but in this area, I excel. At work, I'm in my element.


     It makes me feel very humbled to take care of people. I like that they trust me to care for them and that I can be of assistance when needed or resourceful (if that's what's required). I recall that on my first day of clinical (in Nursing School), I was petrified. I was terrified that I would fall on my face or that some patient would sense my inexperience and refuse to let me assist them. Then, when I met my patient and his wife that day, I felt truly blessed. He was helpless and he relied on me to help him get through his morning. I just remember how honored I felt to be his student nurse for the day. I likened it to the time when Jesus washed his disciples feet. There is no greater honor than to serve and help another in my world. As a matter of fact, I always tell my kids to treat others like they're looking in a mirror. Treat everybody as well as you want them to treat you and treat everybody the same as you treat yourself. That advice has carried me far in life.

    Well, lunch time is over so I'm on to my afternoon patients. Have a great day!


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Black and White

     This morning, as I was on my way to work, I was deep in thought. There's so much more that I want to do with my life. I want to be a nurse, I want to be a better Mommy, I want to be a better person period. I asked God for change and I swear, I'm starting to notice suttle differences within myself and how I think.

     When I was younger, I thought I had the world figured out. Everything was either right or wrong, black or white, yes or no. There really wasn't an in between with me. Now, I've gotten older and I realize that the world isn't what I thought it was. I'm a Mother, whose responsible for a dozen children. I'm a daughter that loves and respects and cares for her mother even though there was abuse for years. I'm a student whose thirsty for knowledge. I'm an employee who cares for her patients like they're family members. I'm a daughter of the Most High and I make mistakes and I am forgiven time and time again. I have so many titles and roles but I tend to get frustrated from time to time.
     I think this why I keep praying so much. I want-- no I need-- for God to help me. I want to be a better woman, daughter, Mama, and Christian. I want so much and I'm so impatient. I have got to learn patience. But...things aren't as chaotic as before. I've been spending ALOT of time with my kids. I've been working on menu plans, chore lists, and schedules. God is so good. He answers my prayers and loves me unconditionally. That is all I ask for.

                                                                      Me Previously

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Trying My Hand at Something New

I've been tinkering with a little homeschooling this summer. Not because my sister-in-law does it, but because the urge has been there for a long time. Our school system is in upheaval and in school, they teach kids to test instead of just teaching. It's awful because they don't learn anything of any real importance and the value system is awful. In my view, traditional public school is failing miserably. 

Four of My Lils

I've been on different websites pulling material off and teaching the kids. They love it and it gives me time to get closer to them. I'm changing and I want them to be the best at anything they do but I also want them to walk with God everyday of their life. With everything they pick up from other kids at school, I spend a lot of time battling the things that they are bringing home. They're saying and doing things that are inappropriate to me and I just plain don't like it. So, I'm trying something new...

Matthew-Lucas isn't so happy first thing in the morning!

It's next to impossible for me to homeschool full-time right now but the urge is there. A STRONG urge. So much so, that I plan to be a Nurse during the weekends and school my young ones thru the week. That's a big difference from where I saw my career going. I've waited on this for 19 years and now all I want to do is stay home with those babies of mine. Wish me luck!

A day at the Waterpark!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Just a Few Pics of My Littles

This is just a couple of pics that I had in my phone. Love looking at my babies. I LOVE MY BABIES!!!



Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Jesus Take The Wheel

My life is pretty hectic but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have seven daughters, five sons, and one granddaughter. I have a full-time job, a part time job, and I'm a nursing student. I have found that life sometimes gets in the way but the one thing that is constant is God.
      When I feel alone...I take my loneliness to him.

     When I just want to give up, He tells me to stay strong and tough it out.

     He doesn't remind me of my mistakes or punish me over and over. He just loves me. He loves us.
     Right now, I don't go to church like I want to because I can't seem to find the right one. Other than having 12 kids, I'm a pretty conservative person. My older kids think that their Mama is just down right old fashioned. I can't help it. Some things, I just feel in my bones.
     I've been praying that God helps me to become closer to Jesus. I know he's my Savior but I want a personal relationship with him, too. I struggle inside myself everyday to do what's right but it doesn't always work out that way. I'm a work in progress. I listen to a little bit of everything and I love this song by Carrie Underwood called "Jesus Take the Wheel". Inadvertantly, that song is my testimony. It makes me cry everytime I hear it but that's ok. I feel better every time I listen to it.
     I was reading my sister-in-law's blog one day and I started to read some of the blogs that she follows. Those women really inspire me. Really inspire me. I don't think that they know how much their simple words and phrases mean to someone like me whose trying to find her way. Really, it was blessing. My favorite one is "Embracing My Cup". Erin's blog is absolutely beautiful and amazing. She seems to live the kind of life that I want.
     I have to go now but before I do, I want to leave whoever's reading with a parting thought. I know that life is hard and nobody's perfect. I've gotten to the point where I don't fight that anymore. The one thing, I do know is that God loves each of us no matter what. There's nothing that he won't forgive as long as you repent. Thank God for his saving Grace.      


Monday, June 13, 2011

Not Sure Why

I'm having one of those mornings...

The kids are bickering...

I'm running behind schedule....

I have errands to run...

I have to work this afternoon and as a nursing student, I have studying to do.

This is my routine day in and day out. I'm not sure why I chose to have a dozen kids. I'm not sure why I decided to start my career late when I should have done this WAY before. I'm not sure why I take on the impossible. What I am sure of is that God loves me. He has a plan for me and mine. What I'm really sure of is that I CAN and WILL do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.