Gratitude

     I'm going to start this post today by saying that Our Father is ever so amazing. He's gracious and kind and merciful and loving. He's everything that's good in life. The one thing that I've also noticed is that He has a way of humbling us when we're too prideful or arrogant. Now, I admit-- I'm no saint. I have my days where I'm down in the dumps and I feel like nobody cares. I have days where I'm at the top and I feel like I'm the cream of the crop and nobody does it better than me. Then, I have those days where I'm so inpatient with everything and everybody. I feel like the world should be moving at the speed of my light. I know it's silly but it's just me being honest.

     I'm in my senior semester of Nursing school and, as usual, my days are long and hectic. I started complaining about having to go to Clinicals first thing this morning before I even got in the shower. How dare patients have the nerve to be sick and me have to get out my warm bed to go in and put in time for free! I'm sick of this, I'm tired of that, and on and on my mind raged this morning. So...I prayed about it in the shower and left it at that. Once I pulled out of the driveway this morning, everything started to calm down. By the time I reached the hospital, I was in good spirits.

     Well, as usual, I was the first student to the floor. My instructor asked me if I had this certain patient before and I said, "No." Then, she gave me a brief summary of what was wrong with her and I thought, "crap!!!" Although, I'll never let a patient see me aggravated or irritated, in the back of my mind, I thought that I was being punished. For having bad thoughts. For being mean to those that I love. For being inpatient. For being arrogant.

     Anyway, I get in the room this morning and I see this patient. She's my age and had a stroke sometime during the summer. She has children whom love her. She has a mother who takes the time to call and make sure that she hears her voice. She couldn't talk, she couldn't move, and her body was twisted. She was missing part of her skull. She was lying there storming (something brain injured patients do when they're overstimulated). I was told that her prognosis is very poor. Suddenly, the thought came to me that when she woke up the morning that this happened, she probably never thought that this would be her life. I wondered if she'd had the time to thank God for His Son, his grace, his Mercy, her life, their life. Had she taken the time to stop and smell the roses. Look up at the clouds and watch them float on by? Had she taken the time to tell her loved ones how much they meant to her and how grateful she was that God put them in her life? Did she handle all of her spiritual business before this condition took over her life?

   I took care of her like she was one of my own family members. I've started to notice that I do that with all of my patients. It gives me joy because it gives me purpose. Anyway, I took more time with her than I normally do for any other patient because I felt compelled in my spirit. I wanted her trach care to be just right. I didn't want her to be the least bit uncomfortable (although there was only so much I could do in that area). I was praying that she was cognizant enough to know that she was in good hands because I was there. And I cared.
    
    One thing that I noticed is how I felt very humble and quite foolish and ashamed. Who am I to complain about anything when I'm walking, talking, my kids are healthy, and I have family who love me? Who cares that I had to wake up early and leave out before the sun came up? Who cares that things don't always go my way? Seriously, there is more to life. So, I learned a lesson or two today. And what is life if you don't see or get the lesson that God wants to teach you? In my mind, I told God, "Thank You." I get it.

     First, stop complaining so much. I have a bad habit of this and I don't like it at all. This Nursing thing is the dream that I've had for myself that God made come true even when I doubted. He gave me the gift of the big heart that has so much compassion. Second lesson-- everyday really does count. Every single day. Lazy days, crazy days-- all of them. You have to make them count and if possible, leave a good impression. You just never know...

    I'm a huge fan of the group Coldplay. In their song, Square One, they sing this lyric: 'From the line on the first page until the end of the last day'. It's metaphorical for one's life. For some reason, that song just kept coming back to me. All afternoon. Do I want my last page to be filled with regrets, anger, and irrelevance or do I want a 'well done my good and faithful servant' when my life's book has been read?

Loving It!

     I've made it to my fourth semester! Am I scared? You betcha! Am I tired? Better believe it. The studying is tedious and there's so much that I had forgotten over the summer break. Lectures are more like class discussions because there's a lot of self teaching. The tests are no longer just knowledge based; you have to apply what you know to that patient. The hours are long, the material is tough, and everything else in your life goes on the back burner.



     The one thing that I've noticed is that I really love clinicals this semester. I believe that it's because I feel more like a nurse and less like a CNA. Now, when I found out who my clinical instructor was, I was excited. Ms. Grace, as we call her, is brilliant. Funny, too. More importantly, she makes you really look at your patient, their disease process, and the effect it has on their life. She cares so much for the patients when she tends to them and puts her heart into it. I'm determined that I will be that kind of nurse. No patient is going to be just a body to me. Ever.


     The other thing that surprises me is that I'm tougher than I thought I was. I always said that I don't want to see blood and guts and slime, etc. I was determined that I never wanted to see a bedsore or suction snot from a person's trach. In my mind, it just wasn't happening. But...this semester, I'm on a respiratory floor and I can suction and clean a trach with the best of them! My stomach doesn't even try to flip anymore. I'm way better at assessing patients and recognizing when something just doesn't feel right. My heart is on a hospital floor and if I had a choice in the matter, I would stay there all day. I just have this need to try to solve problems and care for people.


      I was thinking today that God has given me the most amazing gift. Besides my children that is. I didn't grow up in the best circumstances and was left feeling unloved and unwanted almost my whole life. I still have days. But, I think that all this only made me a more compassionate person overall. I know that I care way more than I should and I'm unbelievably sensitive but it's ok. I finally accept those flaws and truth be told, I think they're blessings.

    

A Friend Indeed

     I had a pretty tough weekend. I've made some mistakes these past couple of weeks that have cost me emotionally. I don't know why I do the things that I do sometimes; I just do. I'm thankful for His Grace and Mercy because without it, life wouldn't be worth living. I'm a sinner just like everybody else and I know that I'm forgiven but I have the hardest time forgiving myself. I'm harder on me than anybody and I know that my Father knows this. I believe this is why He chose to bring special folks in my life that can help me see the rainbow at the end of the storm.

     One such person is my friend, Phillip. I met him about eight years ago-- he was my co-worker. Somehow, I knew that he was going to be more than that and that he'd always be a constant in my life. The one thing that I like about him is that he has an awesome spirit. Even when things in his own life are stormy, he finds a way to be there for his friends and when you think that nobody cares, he's there rooting for you the whole time. He's given me nothing but encouragement, sound advice, a listening ear, and hope when I'm struggling when I'm struggling inside.

Today, I found this poem. Out of all of my friends, this reminds me of him:

My Friend
Long ago, I found my friend,
Who knew everything I felt.
He knows my every weakness,
And the problems and situations I’ve been dealt.
He understood my wonders,
And listened to my dreams.
He listened to how I felt about life and love,
And knew what it all means.
Not once did he interrupt me,
Or tell me that I was wrong.
He understands what I am going through,
And promised he’ll stay long
When I reached out to this friend,
He showed me that he’ll always care.
He’d pull me close and let me know
That he’ll always be there.
He’ll hold my hand
To pull and pull me near.
I realized that this perfect friend I have
Is gracious, wonderful, and very dear.

                                                -Anonymous

    

     We both have two jobs, we're in school, and we have others that depend on us. We can't see each other as much as I'd like but at the end of the day, he's the one friend I thank God for. I don't know if he knows how much I love him for I don't think that I tell him enough. It doesn't really matter because I know he'll always be there.

A Promise to Keep

      I was riding in my car last week and from somewhere in time, I seemed to recall a conversation that I had with my late grandfather, Clarence. I was 23 years old and had six children. At the time we were making those babies, it didn't dawn on me that they grow up and that one day I'd be doing this as a single parent. Anyway, for the first time ever, he was upset with me. I'd call to say that I'd given birth to another baby boy. I remember him fussing because I'd had ANOTHER baby. He said to me,"If you keep this up, you're going to be living on welfare and you're life is going to go nowhere!" I was so hurt. I told him that he was wrong and that I planned to finish school and become a Nurse. He scoffed at me and said, "Yeah right! You can't go to school with all those kids! How will you be able to work?" So I explained that I worked full time and that eventually, I was going to make a way. Of course, he didn't believe me and my heart just ached.

     My grandfather was one of the most important people in my life. I have only good memories of him and growing up, I thought that he was the only one to see any goodness in me. I remember him smoking his pipe and laughing. I remember him telling me how special I was and I was such a good girl. He always had a compliment and fresh $20 in hand as soon as I came around. I loved that man so much. The best thing about him was his loyalty to others and that work ethic. Oh...he was such a hard worker. He cleaned pig pens and slopped hogs from the time he was 8 years old because he knew he had to contribute. After he grew up, he got up at 4 in the morning to get his day started. He used to say that a man had no business sleeping past sunrise. That was laziness! At 5 am, he made his way out the door because there was a neighbor who lived close by. My Grandpa Shorty (as we called him) would go to his house, make his breakfast and lunch, then proceed to work. See this neighbor had unfortunately had his legs blown off in some distant war and Shorty was going to make sure that he was taken care of. Unfailingly, every day. (This must be where I get my sense of duty from.)

     When I was a little older, we moved away to Charlotte but I could always pick up the phone and he was there. Always, but only after 7pm because he worked hard all day up until a week before he died at the age of 76. I used to say that I'd never marry until I found someone just like him. He set the standard of what I wanted in a husband. Through the years, I went to see him a few times after I was on my own. Each time I'd silently pray that we'd grow old together although I knew that was impossible. One time, he expressed to me that he was getting old; he wouldn't always be here. I told him he was crazy. He was going to be around to watch me grow old and then we'd die together. How silly was that?

     So...when this man who meant more to me than any man in the world doubted me, the pain was like a punch in my gut. I was so angry with him but I didn't let him know that. I have way more respect than to argue with my elders. Before I hung up that phone, my Grandpa said, "The day you graduate from Nursing School, I'll be there. I haven't left Greenville in over 56 years but I'll be there to see you walk across that stage." So I said,"Deal?" and he said,"Deal!" At the time, I was young and time had no meaning to me other than what was on the face of a clock. I took my sweet time and had more babies and went to school and did my Medical Assisting thing and...you get the picture. Time passed me by and I hadn't kept my promise. Then, sadly, in 2006 he passed away the first day of July. Coupled with another major event, that was the worst year of my life. Depression took me to some dizzying lows.

     A couple of years later, it hit me that it was time for me to take that leap. So...now I'm here in this moment of my life, keeping my promise. It dawned on me a few days ago that it was almost time for me to apply for graduation. I was giddy inside because I begin my senior semester in August. I won't get to graduate until May (our college only holds one ceremony a year) but then I felt a little sad because I'd waited so long. The sadness didn't last long because I have the feeling that somewhere in heaven, there's a man walking around with a corn cob pipe and cherry tobacco smiling because I kept my promise.

Overflowing with Thanks

      These past few months have gone by so quickly that it almost seems surreal. I've had moments that have tested my faith, drove me to tears, and brought me closer to Him. One thing keeps coming to mind.

This is a picture of my eldest son, Jason (or as I affectionately call him, Beezie).

     He's the son that I waited for my whole life. No, he's not an angel. Yes-- he's gets himself into some unimaginable situations. But at the end of the day. He's my boy. This past February, he was in an awful car accident. This pic that you see is how I found him when I got to the hospital.

     I must say that getting a phone call at 6 in the morning with someone screaming on the other line that your baby has been hurt and come quick is the most nightmarish thing that's happened to me in a long time. I hit the floor running and broke a few laws getting to the hospital. I remember that on the way, I prayed and prayed. I even offered God my life to take if he'd only let my baby be okay. Then, I called the hospital and a reassuring voice came to the phone and told me to calm down; he was talking and semi-conscious and suddenly, I knew that all was going to right with the world. It's like God said "Stop worrying; I've got this." (I have to work on my worrying-- I'm a pro at that!) Long story short, when I got there and the HP told me what had happened, I almost fell to my knees. He'd been thrown out of a window in the middle of I-77 and his friends left him to die. One even took the shoes off his feet. A stranger saw the accident, stopped to call 911, blocked traffic with her car, and prayed over my baby. If I weren't already a believer, that would've sealed the deal. He spent 5 weeks in the hospital. His doc told us that his skeleton was dissected and he had to put together with screws. Thankfully, he wasn't paralyzed or worse.
 
      This son of mine is a soldier. He was supposed to spend months in a wheelchair but he began walking a few weeks ago. Aside from a little PTSD, I believe he's going to be just fine. I think the attention of his ldy love, Tranika and God are responsible for that! (Funny how God puts the right people in your life at the right time.)
Here's a pic of him now.

    Smiling brighter than ever. He did something recently that I'd never thought that I'd see. He went to church, went down to the altar, and turned his life over to Christ. I can honestly say that my heart is full to overflowing. There's no guesses on my part of whose responsible for that!

A Dream Come True

     I've been busy these past few months. I've barely had time to breathe and take it all in. I've finished my second semester of Nursing School and made the Dean's List! It was HARD work but I did it. Now, I'm entering the OB/GYN rotation. I'm more than excited, I'm ecstatic.

     Years ago, when I had my first daughter, I was a teen mom. Unmarried, unsure of what to do with a baby, and although very mature, I just had no idea where my life was going to go. I remember the recovery room nurse making such an impression on me. She talked to me, in those late night hours, about how much she loved her career, how she adored those precious babies, how I was the youngest person on the floor that night, and how I had a tremendous responsibility on my hands. It really gave me something to think about.

    

     I remember being a child who always wondered what God thought of me and my actions. I have to say, I wasn't proud of myself for being a teenage unwed mom but I always knew God has my back. He loves me, he'd make miracles happen, and I am his daughter. I've always known that I needed to pray in Jesus name anytime I needed Him and he was there.

    

     On that particular night, I remember telling God that I wanted to be just like that Nurse. I wanted to care for people and make a difference in THEIR life. Through the years, I went to college on and off and became a Medical Assistant. It was okay but...I knew that this wasn't enough. I was destined to do more. I didn't think that I would get this chance but I knew that I had to hold fast. Then, all the sudden, here I am, getting the chance to live out my dream and I have nobody to thank for this but the Father himself.

     It's hard. I'm a Mommy of a dozen who aren't always little angels. We've had to sacrifice financially on some of the things that can wait. There are no extra perks right now but it's all okay. I'm taking this all in stride. On the other hand, I can't believe this! After 20 years, He's making my dream come true! I registered for my third of four semesters this morning. When I did, I got a little teary eyed. I was reminded that I asked for this and He has BLESSED me. All I needed was Faith and Patience and He came through with Grace and Mercy.

Glorifying Him

     These past few weeks haven't been my personal best but life goes on. One of my daughters has decided to test my waters. The baby boy has some sort of cardiac arrythmia that requires the pediatric cardiologist. The straw that broke the camel's back was that my car died and I was faced with quitting school, no transportation to work, and endless worrying. I had been praying for months that the Good Lord would bless me with another minivan. I prayed many, many days for months. I just didn't know that He would take one thing and make it another.

     Yesterday, my engine finally gave out. I was terrified because I've always had a car since I was 20 and I didn't think that it was feasible to take 10 kids on a bus every time we needed to get up and go. I live out near a small town and buses don't run through there that often. Plus, it's almost a mile to the bus stop and that's a lot of walking! I was thinking of church trips, their schools, my school, my job...my mind was everywhere! I don't have the finances right now to live the way that I want to and struggling is my middle name. I'm thrifty but it's tiresome and I just couldn't see an end to a bad situation.

     So...I did the only thing that I knew to make the impossible possible. I put it in His hands.
I prayed long and hard. I prayed softly and sweetly. In the end, tearfully, I threw my hands up, got on, my sore knees, and just gave it to Him. In the end, He did what He always does; took my pain and worry and turned it around for the best. I just had to take this moment to Glorify the One who loves me the most.